How to cope with a family member with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

*Remarks: He & she is interchangeable

1.   First thing first, don’t argue with him/her. Don’t explain yourself to him, as he doesn’t want to hear your perspective, even it is valid and reasonable. Keep minimal contacts and conversations short. Text messages is preferable, so that you can trace down the history of the conversation. 

2.    Don’t react to his ridiculous demands. Don’t engage or give attention to his drama/ tantrums. 

3.    Don’t confront/expose his lies. Don’t try to win the arguments and reason with him as he is combative, vindictive and impulsive. You never know what he will do to sabotage/punish you. 

4.    Don’t carry his responsibilities, let him know he has to contribute. Don’t try to solve his problems, but you can provide him options that is reasonable for yourself. 

5.    You don’t need to respond everything he says/demands. Give yourself time to think/ discuss with others. And You Have the Rights to Say No. 

6.    Don’t take his blame/ responsibilities. It is not your fault if he is upset/angry/anxious. It is not your job to satisfy him/ make him happy all the time. Happiness come from within, not from outside. 

7.    Be mindful of his lies, manipulation, gaslighting and triangulation tactics. Don’t become his lackeys and fall for his guilt trips. You don’t owe him anything. 

8.    If you are confused of what he said / with the situations, always verifies with another involved person. 

9.    Don’t let him destroy your relationships, mental health and physical health. He is self-destructive anyhow. You can’t save his soul, only God can. 

10. Don’t share your secrets and vulnerabilities with him. He might use them against you later on. 

11. Take his self-reported panic attacks/ heavy breathing seriously. Call ambulance if needed. Let the professionals help him. 

12. If he insults/devalues you, don’t argue but respond by stating your views/truth calmly (keep it short and simple). Then discontinue the conversation by getting out of the room or hanging up the phone. Your feelings matter, however wrestling with a pig in the mud is never a good idea. You both gets dirty and the pig likes it. 

13. Don’t be surprised by his exaggerated reactions, dramatic responses and rages over something trivial, he is a very attention/validation-seeking individual and is prone to dramas. Please put up your blank face and respond with a cool manner. When he couldn’t get the narcissistic supply from you, he would look for a new supply, and eventually, he will leave you alone. 

14. Anticipate the drama/tantrums/aggressions, accept they are part of the behaviour patterns of his personality disorder. Always protect yourself while dealing with him. 

15. Try to make him take responsibility of his own words. If his stories changes, or he denied what he had said. Just calmly reflect back  the inconsistencies/ contradictions. Let him know you know, but you are not arguing with him. If possible, ask a 3rd person to be a witness of the conversation. 

16. Hold him accountable for his actions. Try to create situations that he needs to take responsibility of his behaviours, eg. if he breaks something, he needs to pay for it. There are consequences to face followed by his actions and words. 

17. Don’t expect he would change for you. Even if he says sorry/ he is going to repent, don’t believe he means it until you see his actions are aligned with his words. Time will tell. You can decide when to forgive him. Your forgiveness is precious. 

18. Manage your expectations and let go of your irrational hopes. No matter what you do, he would probably still be the same. Conflicts might never be resolved. The relationship is never deep. He doesn’t care for you…etc. Change comes from inside and starts with self-awareness and self-reflection, which a NPD person is lack of. 

19. Learn how to cope with your frustrations, anger and disappointment.  Find ways to alleviate your pain.

Finally, treat yourself with respect, dignity and compassion. Surround yourself with healthy and kind people. Get supports from them and start healing. 

Much love ❤️